A Drunken Realisation

WARNING: You may not agree!

So having a drink with a few friends and some how in conversation comes up my 'in & out'  rule, which I'm not proud off but it's how I roll. Everyone is always astonished how a girl, especially a girl like me how quotes looks so cute on the outside, is able to separate herself and kick the guys out after, no feelings attached....

This is my issue, if a guy was to do this he would be applauded yet I am thought of in a bad way, so many of my friends find it hilarious that I hate to be cuddled. Yet a guy it would be exceptable and even thought of as 'cool' that a guy refuses to be attached to anyone. But in reality why should it be different, both genders are having sex and getting close with each other, since when did cuddling and getting all mushy become a 'must do' after.

I've been told many many times its because I haven't found the right guy, or because when your in love you just want to be with that person, nothing more. Yet none of them people found themselves in my situation....I just can't do it. Someone once told me that to be intimate and cuddle means to be happy to share your worst bits with someone else and I kinda get where that is coming from....but do I want to show someone my worst!

Yet people make me out to be an ice queen, I'm really not. In all honestly if someone said to me picture yourself in bed just cuddling someone, one or at a push two people would spring to mind, but that's only because i've been there, done that & because actually I don't think they would judge me. I just hate how everyone looks down at me because I don't feel the need to make the person who i'm with feel better by cuddling. Yes you've got with me...goodbye. Or yeah you're my friend, I shouldn't have to reassure you by having a cuddle.

And thats exactly it, if a girl was to want to cuddle etc she'd be seen as soppy and girly and a guy would be seen as a player, he can cuddle as many girls as he want with nothing there....how is that right?? How can a girl and a guy wanty the same things yet the opinion be so far apart.

Karma

I know not everybody believes in karma, but I actually do, well did!

I just want to know why all the good things happens to all the shitty people out there! I'm not asking for something amazing, but really, why do they get it all?

I would never wish bad things on anyone, but surely there is enough to go around, and the people that deserve it should get it first.

I guess this is a life lesson, life's a bitch and certainly not fair. I feel bad for being so angry over something lovely!!

The End of an Era

I am crying a little inside right now. My unstable relationship with facebook is over, well for now! Pressing the deactivate button kinda made me feel relieved, no more waking up to hideous drunk messages in the morning which make me want to die! Last night was the last straw, so now just here and twitter. And since i actually don't really know how to work twitter, i cant use it for the worst!

I almost feel like ive broken up with someone, facebook played a huge part in my life, but really we need some space apart.....

How one sentence can change everything

This not not about my New Years Resolution, although its going ok if you change it to drink less, haha!

This is a little rambling that needs to be said and since i'm not quite sure if the person/people will appreciate it, so it is being said here.

I pride myself on being a girl that is able to give myself a reality check, i don't wonder what could happen, what should have happened, because really in life it is now that counts. But lately all i'm doing is second guessing myself. I knew i could have 'it' yet I didn't want it. Now that I maybe fucked up a little too much I think i kinda want 'it'. Yet 'it' is two things, and we all know that you can't have your cake and eat it! Let's call 'i't A & B.

 I've always wanted A, deep down stupidly knew that I run at the chance if it ever came back. When it did, what did i do, play the game that I always do; pretending that I don't give a crap just to see much much A really does. And thinking that I didn't really care A walked away, feeling like it had put himself on the line. So what am i meant to do, confess everything? confess that really I did it to see how A really cared, that it wasn't just there because A decided to fall back upon something good while at his lowest...that I'll never know. Either way it isn't happening because i didn't man up n find out what A really wanted from me.

Although there's another reason why I didn't go; B. A was always part of my plan; my past and my future, yet one sentence from B has totally sent my mind into a spin. This simple sentence probably has no meaning to him, something that he doesn't remember saying, but it's had such an effect on me, i no longer know what I want.  This sentence, which i'm not repeating in case one of the two read this, had the ability to touch my very soul, it managed to sum up everything I try to be, yet epically fail on a daily basis. But also the reason I am the way I am; almost damaged beyond repair. And because this came from B i wonder if B could be the person to help me get over it all, and this is why I cant go to A, as this is the founder of these problems, when a solution may just be around the corner. I would never put that much pressure on someone to 'fix me' but I think the way B is he could and maybe without even realising!

I'm not one to 'need' someone, i like being the way i am, not needing anyone. Being able to not feel reliant and     one of them stupid girls that have to have a guy in her life, but this stupid one sentence seems to have changed everything...how is that even possible!?

My reality checks have long gone!

The Last Week

Yeah so no alcohol, but a lot of caffine! but it might be down to the fact that I'm writing an essay. I work best at night so anytime between 10pm-7am I am needing the caffine to help me focus and stay awake.

I went out last night for a meal and a dance after with the guiders, and actually I had two drinks and that was enough, I was happy not to get drunk out of my face...so that's a step in the right direction. Being sober isn't fun but having control and 1 or 2 is...

Going back to uni tonight, an alcohol-free uni night makes me shudder and I've actually realised I am only doing this to prove a point to a guy who shall remain nameless because I really can't be asked for the argument! So yeah he told me I shouldn't drink because I am a different person, and basically he doesn't like it. But then I realised who is he to me? I'm happy drinking, I mean can u imagine a uni night, people falling over drunk out of their faces & me.....not cool. So i've been shopping today and brought a supply of alcohol that will last me 4-6 weeks, i'm not buying any until I come back from York, so that's the 20th Feb, I've got 2 bottles of wine, 1 1/2 of Archers and 4 bottles of pear cider....that will last me right...If I throw in some red bull i'll be fine! Doesn't make me sound like an alcoholic right?!  

Day 1

Ok, so today has been fine no need for alcohol. Although I catch myself looking at the alcohol cupboard a bit too much for my liking. If I'm honest I am still feeling it for NYE!

I'm not looking forward to having a tee-total month at uni though :( it's going to be a struggle.

So yeah everyday I will be updating you...hoping to see some definite improvements! Lets hope I may also get my lazy arse to the gym!!!!

New Year Resolution!

So after a very very drunken night on new years and some very stupid actions and one bandaged foot later, I've decided my new years resolution will be to try a tee-total month. I am now picturing the shock on your face, I know I know, me without alcohol seems impossible but I'm willing to give it a try, and luckily for you I'm going to be blogging it everyday, well I'll try!

I just think I need to shift focus on actually trying to do something with my life other then going out  and getting drunk. Planning my week on what days I won't be hungover! And if I'm honest I need to get back into the swing of things where I enjoy going to lectures, going out and actually socialising and remembering!

So this is it.....Day 1! Wish me luck!!